Contemplating suicide

Depression and suicidal thoughts

“A man devoid of hope and conscious of being so has ceased to belong to the future.”
― Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus and Other Essays

Suicide is a subject almost everyone has thought of at some point or the other. Almost everyone has wondered what it would be like to end our own life or how it could be done without confronting the great fear – pain, suffocation or other discomforts. Yet suicide remains a taboo subject. The feelings behind suicide. What makes someone commit suicide. We can talk statistics or prevention or helplines, but in the face of actual pain that drives a person to suicide, we have no skills. There is a difference between contemplating suicide and planning to commit suicide. An important one. The first is a fairly common and natural response to unbearable negative emotions. The other is an irreversible action.

I admit I have often considered suicide. I have written about suicide before too. From a perspective of statistics, from a perspective of understanding widespread distress needing political answers, from a perspective of empathy when I read about suicide, from a perspective of failing to support and grieving when someone I know commits suicide and I have also considered suicide as an option to end my own life when I was very sad. Yet, whenever I have tweeted about the subject, I have immediately got responses that amount to stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopSTOP! It is so immediate that it would be hilarious if the subject were not grave. I have got helpline numbers as replies, I have got advice to not let dark thoughts enter my mind.

Hello! I write and tweet and comment and contemplate issues of human rights abuse. How in the world can one do that without having any dark thoughts? If I were planning to commit suicide, why would I be tweeting instead of finding myself a rope? I understand that it can sometimes be a cry for help by a distraught person, but if the rest of the words are perfectly normal, where is the harm in reading to find out what is being said?

Because here is the thing. Even if a person were tweeting about suicide publicly as a last ditch call for attention and help, the last thing they’d need is to be told to shut up or a sea of platitudes. What they would be needing is an empathetic listener who cares.

What exactly is this fear of talking about suicides?

“The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

I admit I have spent a great deal of time contemplating committing suicide over the years. As in killing myself. I have been in unhappy relationships involving heartbreak, I’ve been in an abusive marriage with an alcoholic, I’ve been a broke single mother of a disabled child. Despair and depression are no strangers. And yet I am here, typing this post.

I have actually found thinking about suicide in great detail helpful. Instead of fearing the pain of death (and thus possibly taking a rash step “while I have the courage” maybe after a glass or two of vodka), I’ve gone and researched methods of suicide. What would cause the least pain? What are the consequences of failure? What is the best method so that it causes least pain and least risk of failing and living with permanent damage? And anyone who knows me knows that when I say research, I mean obsessive information finding till I am convinced I know the subject in and out without actual experience. Enough to make a very well considered decision. On and off, when I’m in utter despair, I’ve gone and rechecked all the information. And yet here I am, typing all this.

Is this a guarantee I will never commit suicide? No. But it pretty much guarantees that I have given it thorough thought and not found it a better tradeoff for now. It guarantees that if I do it, it will not be a thoughtless impulse, but a decision I take about my life after considering all options I have.

So how has contemplating suicide helped me?

By giving me an option. By giving me an exit from the pain. By giving me the concrete information that if all this gets unbearable, I still have the option to exit. In the process, a miracle happens. I am no longer cornered by my despair. I always have the cheat route out. And because I know that, I am never out of options. I lose the fear of making attempts to change my circumstances that could fail.  Just allowing myself to spend time thinking about ending myself is a catharsis. If no one else, at least I am acknowledging how bad things are. I am listening to myself. It helps me feel heard. It gives me a vocabulary for describing my situation when asking for help. No, I don’t mean “I am suicidal, help me or else.” I mean “This, this and this is the reason for my despair. I am not able to see functional ways out. I need help.” – because hello, I’ve gone through all the reasons in my contemplation and have them now sorted out in my head.

And sometimes, in a very cynical way, the contemplations have saved me. If I don’t care whether I live or die, why not try this one last thing or the other? If I hit a dead end, I can always die.

“Killing myself was a matter of such indifference to me that I felt like waiting for a moment when it would make some difference.”
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Dream of a Ridiculous Man

Here is an example how. When I was younger, my emotions were more volatile. Taking what I felt seriously and giving it serious thought helped me see things more clearly and invariably, I ended up thinking that if there was any hope, I could use it and if there wasn’t, well, I could always die. But the well thought out option being there and not at any threat of being taken off the table gave me the confidence to know I could opt for it any time and there was no need to do it right now. I could afford to wait and see. I am truly grateful no one immediately tried to stop me at such times, or I’d have been tempted to use the opportunity before someone blocked it from me.

Now I am older. I have a young disabled child. Whoever knows me knows that I’d chew my arm off before I allowed anything to harm him. Well, losing a mom would definitely harm him. So suicide is totally not an option any more. At least while he is alive. He needs me. Period. Again, if I hadn’t thought this through, I could have been at risk of giving up without considering the impact.

In some of my more selfish and melodramatic ways, I’ve even thought “What will be, will be” If I am not there, someone or the other will care for my son, though I can’t imagine who, right now. But then, in such a melodramatic moment, the desire is also to leave a lasting mark on the world when I die. And oops, it is not “orphaned kid in moment of despair”. I’d like to be remembered for something better, thank you very much.

Whatever it is. Others may have their own reasoning. Still others may come to a well considered decision that suicide is actually a good choice for them, When my father was dying of Parkinson’s, he had the option of looking forward to an indeterminate bed ridden existence with little control over his body, being bored out of his wits and too exhausted to do anything about it but to wait to die. He begged me to kill him almost every week. It is illegal and I have two more dependents, or I would definitely have arranged for him to be freed as per his will if it were legal. Others do it out of poverty. Starvation. When the alternative is to live in debt and watch your family suffer with no hope of ever providing for them in sight, it can be a brutal life to look forward to, and death may simply be a matter of running out of the ability to fight.

“Let them think what they liked, but I didn’t mean to drown myself. I meant to swim till I sank — but that’s not the same thing.”
― Joseph Conrad, The Secret Sharer and other stories

Whatever it is, however it plays out, a suicide is not about dying or exiting the world, it is about escaping unbearable torment. A person who feels unheard and uncared for, is unlikely to respond to a panicked flood of platitudes that s/he has heard a hundred times that drowns their voice all over again, even in the contemplation of death.

How agonized we are by how people die. How untroubled we are by how they live. ~ P. Sainath

My suggestion is that we all examine what this fear is that stops us from listening on hearing that word. Because the lives of many around us could depend on how we respond to their pain. If someone has made a well considered decision to die, there isn’t much we can do about it, but if someone is screaming into a void of despair, perhaps us offering a listening ear will give them the space to be heard, and in the process get a clearer view of their situation.

What do you think?

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2 thoughts on “Contemplating suicide”

  1. Interestingly there are no comments on this post so far. Maybe people are too uncomfortable to comment. I’ve contemplated suicide many times and I’ve come close to doing it once, while lying on the roof of a four story building where i thought, all i have to do is roll over and it will all be over. and for a moment i really wanted to roll over.
    This was many years ago and now when i think of suicide i actually think of just walking out of my house and keep walking into the mountains and find a secluded place high in the mountains and just sit there till I die. This, I feel is more of a helpless feeling rather than serious contemplation of suicide because it would take so long that I might give up before i actually die.
    I can understand what you are talking about when you say that the thought of suicide has helped you. But I feel the need to ask you to not rely on this strategy anymore. Recently two of my heroes committed suicide; Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington. Now rock vocalists committing suicide might be considered a cliche but for me their deaths were too unbearable. And based on what speculations are being made online, Chester of Linking Park had planned his suicide months in advance and had even recorded their last album as a way to say goodbye. One of the tracks is even called Good Goodbye. It seems like he decided one day to end his life and made a plan that lasted for months and stuck to it. I’m afraid that if you do so much research into ways to kill yourself and contemplate suicide so often, one day you might just do it.
    I like your blog and you certainly are a clear thinker and a good writer. And I can see the pain you feel for humanity and the state that the world is in. I used to be like that as well. I’ve felt anger, hatred and sorrow for how stupid and silly humans are and how worse a world we have created than it needs to be. And how blindly we are moving towards self destruction.
    But I think this is an extreme view and I’ve found that the truth is always closer to the middle. Extreme views can never be true. Truth is in the balance. Conservatism and liberalism are two opposing forces like yin and yang and both are necessary for a good society. A society that is too conservative will stagnate and a society that’s too liberal will change too quickly and run too wide and shallow. the balance is the key. As bad as the world is right now, there are good things about our world too. The internet is one such thing which has allowed for all of humanity to combine their minds like never before. I wouldn’t know that you existed without the internet.
    Now I’m not pro conservatism or fundamentalists. my point is that looking at them with hate is not good for us as a person and for the society. I love a movie called Princess Mononoke which I would highly recommend. It’s an animated Japanese movie but with a powerful philosophical story. the hero of the movie is told to do just one thing, “See with eyes unclouded by hate.” I think it is really important to see with eyes unclouded by any emotion. See the truth. seek out the truth. and as you already do, speak the truth. And maybe you won’t feel so disheartened that you want to end your life.
    Suicide is the worst thing a living being can do because it goes against the deepest code of life itself. Think of it this way: the society is made up of individuals and as an individual it is our responsibility to make society better according to what we think is better. Believe it or not, that’s what the fundamentalists are trying to do. And there will always be fundamentalists and extremists in society. But if the intelligent, balanced individuals commit suicide that leaves the society that much more unbalanced. It is our responsibility to live, and see the truth and speak the truth, as members of the society, no matter how bad things go. Die for the truth. Don’t die out of helplessness.

    1. Wow. Thank you for this deep and thought provoking comment. I agree with many things you say. Also, I am not currently depressed. I don’t have many views on suicide as a good or bad thing. I do believe that to many people, it seems to be the only option they have left. Farmers for instance. I once did a phone interview of a farmer whose brother had killed himself. He was abrupt to the point of seeming disinterested in his brother’s fate. But the larger picture showed how precariously close he was himself. The only way to maintain sanity was to detach himself from what his brother did, because there was very little difference in their hopelessness and he was still alive. For some, perhaps suicide is indeed a relief from the relentless struggle to live. The article merely tries to create a dialogue. The answer to the terrible loss of life that suicide is, isn’t in stigmatizing suicide. It has to lie in making life worth living.

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