Bloody irritating men – quotes from chats

Was going through old chat transcripts of last 4 years to prove a point to a friend about the default of interactions of Indian men. About 80% of online new Indian male friends (148 chats) try to patronize me or make sexual conversation. In comparison, 90% Pakistani men (22 chats), and 20% of western men (56 chats) try it. On the other hand, there isn’t a single woman on that list. Well, one, maybe but it was an argument, not patronizing.

Men from the Indian subcontinent on the other hand seem to have this penchant for getting into a woman’s space. It is totally pissing off to find these creeps in the avalanche of correspondence after being offline for 4-5 days.

Some samples. Most of these people I haven’t chatted with more than a couple of times at most – you’ll see why:

“Fan” from Twitter – 1

He: I really admire your writing.

Me: Thanks.

He: You should start a news portal with many writers for the best news.

Me: [WTF]

Uninvited popup from Hell

He: I have been trying to contact you for a long time.

Me: Well, I’m here now.

He: I wanted to chat with you.

Me: We are already chatting.

He: So tell me something.

Me: [WTF]

On Facebook

He: Thanks for adding me

He: Hello? Are you there?

He: Good morning mam

He: Why do you never reply?

He: I really liked your article.

Me: Thanks.

He Good morning mam…

He: Happy Diwali/Newyear/whatever

He: Don’t you check your messages?

Me: [Yawn]

Random “fan” [of the blog]

He: Really great article

Me: Thank you 🙂

He: You should write about cancer research. It is a very serious subject.

Me: [WTF]

Other random samples of “advice for blog” on first chat

Example 1: You should ask for memberships, create citizen journalism website and print editions.

Example 2: I can design your blog for you very cheap.

Example 3: I really appreciate your blog and want to help you. You should make some videos to promote it. Then you should start discussion forums. Let me know when you make the videos.

Example 4: I would read your blog more if you wrote shorter/longer articles.

Example 5: You should have more “mainstream” news.

On sponsoring the blog

You should take a job. [I am trying to create an income from blogging. To many, this is the equivalent of begging.]

I can host your website for one month, but I don’t believe in paying. [Let me get this straight. I should move into the cheapest hosting you can find for a month, spend a week setting everything up as it should be, and do the whole thing to some other place next month, and you are doing me a favor?]

What do you need money for if your hosting is paid? [I eat, drink, smoke, wear clothes, pay electricity bills and other bills too. I am a whole person, not an automatic bot churning out articles. Researching and writing takes time – which is what I try to compensate through earning from the blog/sponsorships]

You shouldn’t stop writing for the sake of money – that is paid media. [Really? I suppose I should starve to death like a fashionable “true” artist just to prove that I am not paid media? Frankly, whatever job you are doing, you are selling yourself too. You wouldn’t go and do a company’s work if they didn’t pay you.]

You should get a job and blog in your spare time. Not fair to ask your readers. [and what? ignore my son? What is your problem? The content is free. Read all you want. Copy, republish, whatever. You don’t want to pay, no one is forcing you.]

[I find it really insulting to think that the only investment in the blog is hosting expense, as though good writing or running the blog takes no time/effort/expense or that I should continue to blog but not expect any payment for it. It is far better to simply ignore the sponsorship request.]

On a more personal level

Exhibit A: I can make out you are a very reserved person, but you don’t have to be shy with me. You can tell me anything. [dear prince, what would I have done if you weren’t in my life?]

Exhibit B: I understand you better than you understand yourself. You want to say something, but you are holding yourself back [yeah, trying to figure out the polite version of “fuck off”]

Exhibit C: Will you be online tonight? Take some time out for yourself. [I WON’T be available BECAUSE I am taking some time for myself. Get it?]

Exhibit D: You should lighten up more. Take some time off from always work, home and child. Tell me about your hobbies. [Yeah right.]

Exhibit E: I want to know what you think [Hello? There is an entire blog… and more blogs. And Twitter. And Facebook.]

And the “SuperSexy”

What is your deepest desire/fantasy? [kidding you not]

It is healthy to masturbate. But not good on your own. [um… I thought that was the whole point of masturbation?]

I can’t stop thinking about you. [you could try stopping messaging me for a start.]

Muaaaaah. I just love you. [several times. no matter how lame whatever you said or didn’t was]

You talk so openly about sexuality. Will you chat with me daily? [no. I like to chat with sexy people too.]

The inconvenient

I need to meet you in person. Some things you can’t understand completely online. [no. thanks. I’ll find someone with better comprehension skills]

You are still awake? When do you sleep? [I have suspected for a long time that my mom bribes a few people to keep an eye on me]

I have sent you an email. Please reply. [I check my inbox routinely. If I didn’t reply, chances are high that there was nothing much to say OR I don’t want to reply]

And finally, the well earned

Why don’t you pick up your phone?

Why don’t you check SMSs?

Why don’t you….

 

To the few good men who know how to respect someone’s space, you are rare. Thank you for existing.

Disclaimer: My mother and a few other women do invade my space on phone calls. One woman is among the quotes on sponsoring the blog.

And really last: If you pepper your chats with “tell me something” “say something” and such inane, purposeless bullshit, go die already.

Join the Intellectual Anarchy!

About the Author

Vidyut
Vidyut is a blogger on issues of National interest. Staunch advocate of rights, learning and freedoms. @Vidyut

1 Comment on "Bloody irritating men – quotes from chats"

  1. Hilarious!

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