Welcome letter to Hafiz Muhammad Saeed

Dear Mr. Saeed,

I imagine you are a very, very brave person who walks the path of truth. It is so wonderful that India has someone like you in Pakistan, so that we never have to worry about rivalry.

We in India hear a lot about you. You are a big name in the Indian media, but then, you are so famous, media all over the world watches you and wonders what new pearls of wisdom you will bestow upon us.

Uh…. we have been hearing your speeches for a long time, but I am a little embarrassed to tell you that it doesn’t seem to have destroyed us much as yet. Perhaps the people you send across aren’t very well trained. Or maybe we are like bedbugs. We proliferate a lot, and we are dang difficult to destroy long distance, like you are trying. Your remote control goons aren’t really all that good. Heck, we’ve got better villains in Bollywood. Once in a while, they get through, but you know how India’s population is…. it’s still growing. We caught one of them two years ago, and he seems to not really have learned much. He is doing and saying the same things for two years and contradicting himself all through too. There even was a shocking rumor that he felt remorse. You tell me, is that possible? You brain-trained the man. You didn’t train him to come here and feel remorse, right? He is really a confused guy, though delightfully contrary and very entertaining.

See, here’s the deal. I imagine you yourself need some kind of a publicity stunt to get your TRPs up, seeing as how you have been talking for years, and its only Pakistan getting destroyed. I am quite sure this is not how you had planned. And like this, the people are going to get bored of your speeches, knowing full well that you rarely exit the ISI armpit, and its going to be a really long time till the ISI’s armpit reaches India.

I was proposing that you lead this latest invasion of India. There are many people here who are eager to meet you. They even have really high tech and very expensive accommodation waiting for you in one of the most expensive cities in the world. That should tell you something about how eager we are to host you. We even have some Bollywood special effects guys to create freaky explosions at random intervals and sounds of torture, so that you don’t feel like you are in a strange place. Its really cool. You want to see this. It will be real jeee-had!

The Indian Muslims are all set to support you. Remember how they didn’t allow the 26/11 attackers to be buried in Mumbai? Well, that’s really cool for you, because how can they kill you if they can’t bury you? Inefficient as the government is, it isn’t like there are a whole load of dead terrorists here. Sooner or later, they will have to put you somewhere. And they will have nowhere!!! Isn’t that just brilliant? Additional insurance. Don’t worry, you’ll be perfectly safe. Just come over like you always say instead of those stupid peons you keep sending.

There are many, many people so eager to meet you that they will probably stand there at the border waiting to receive you. We can house you right next to your chela (how do you say that in Pakistan – chela? apprentice?) Kasab and you can really train him well, so that at least when he goes upstairs to his 72 virgins, he will be able to kill them properly rather than shooting himself in the hand and spending the next two years crying and sulking. The fool will probably not realize that it is his reward, not assignment. Time can get reeeeeally long on the other side, you know?

Sheesh, enough of the macabre stuff. You probably think of it enough already.

Let me tell you about the media. If you come to India, there will be like 40 mics shoved at your face, waiting to hear every word you speak. Won’t that be exciting? We’ve got better mikes than Pakistan, and unlike the Pakistanis who are used to your speeches, you have a fresh audience!!! People will gasp with wonder and get outraged when you tell them. India even has a bigger population. Imagine how big a rally you can organize! We will give you pen and paper in your special accommodations so that you can plan carefully. You will even get an opportunity to actually be brave when you do your wonderful, fiery speeches. Best part is that the media in India is quite efficient. It is likely to edit out the shots of you making a fool of yourself and keep the real good ones only. There will be flashing lines on the screen “Breaking”. No, silly, no one will break you. We will treat you really well. Just ask Kasab.

I told all my friends, and they all want your autograph. Unlike in Pakistan, most of us here have never really met an honest to goodness terrorist. Its rather a novel thing. Like a tiger in a cage. That brings me to the cage. You must not mind that we put you in a cage. See, the thing is that with so many people so eager to meet you and get your autograph, it is for your own protection. When they stop being interested in you, the Pakistani government will quietly let you free. Oh wait!!! This isn’t Pakistan….? Dang. there’s a glitch. People have been known to turn into compost in Indian prisons honorary accommodations. Anyway, it will all work out in the end. We’ll figure it out. You just come over. In any case, it will be wonderful media attention. We may even make a film about you, if you tidy up your face a bit.

Hmmm….. what else? Oh yes. Tell our friends the Pakistanis not to worry. We stand by them in their fight toward civilization.

This should be it. Just want to invite you once again, to actually set foot in India, and see for yourself how much potential we have for destruction. Must be awful to feel so cowardly on top of having to appear brave. One trip to India should be able to fix all that. You will be able to broadcast from all the popular media, “See, here I am in India!!!! Don’t you dare call me a gutless wonder again!” Not that anyone calls you that, just saying.

Looking forward to your arrival after all these years. Many arrangements to make. Can’t promise rose petals since we aren’t the land of the pure, but in all our impure glory, I am sure that we can come up with whole range of suitably impure things to shower you with. You are bound to like a couple. Really. India is famous for diversity.

Please don’t hesitate, this is a heartfelt welcome. India is waiting with bated breath for you to come and liberate us. Bring as many guests as you like. We will house them all for free. No charge at all. Complimentary for the latest Indo-Pak peace thingy that may be happening, or downpayment on the next one.

Lastly, I have asked some of my friends to write to you too, so that you don’t feel shy. Please read their extended invitations below. Trust us, you are going to have a blast. No! Not the one you are thinking!

With welcome,


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