United States of India

India stares and union territories
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I think we should rename our country. We have a lot of states, and the government insists we are all united. We are no different from America – both are big, democratic countries and the correct way to describe democratic countries is by explicitly stating all the states in it are united. Just see – United States of America. Doesn’t it sound grand? United States of India sounds so much more impressive than plain old India. USI – nice acronym. You can’t even acronym a one word country. IND – how dumb – as though half the name fell off an ancient sign board.

And we are so much better than America at all the democratic things. If we take into account our young age, we are even better than them.

  • Democracies have inclusive value systems. India’s history is far older than America, and we have included so many influences, people can’t even count.
  • Democracies have problems with terrorism. We have at least three times the experience of America with having a problem with terrorism.
  • Democracies make sure to protect their country from dangers. Even when it means really long military interventions. We have less experience than America, but we are a young country. We can easily improve. If we see Kashmir, we already have a longer intervention than America.
  • Democracies have accents. Kidding you not. We are so good at this, that people in America have started calling up India for help, because Indians have a better American accent than Americans.
  • Democracies have strong economies. What do I say, if I start talking of India’s growth, it will sound like bragging.
  • Democracies have strong film industries. These industries reflect our increasing progress as a western culture.
  • Democracies have elections. Check.
  • Democracies thrive on dissent. Dissent is good for TRP. Democracies take strong, conspicuous stands that allow opportunities for plenty of dissent and when things seem to cool, they emphasize those stands. Compromise is death. No story there. Democracies avoid compromise at all costs, so that they can provide a good, strong opportunity for sustainable dissent.
  • Democracies nurture scams. For one, they directly encourage the pillar of business to flourish, for another, they are good for TRPs and lead to dissent if handled well. Which is when political parties show their true worth.
  • Democracies have uniform cultures, values and clothes. We are now definitely replacing our culture, values and clothes with western ones.
  • Democracies have symbols for their currency – good looking symbols, that is – not like the stupid British pounds, like their designer was in a hurry and used the letters he already had. But then, what do you expect from a mere monarchy?
  • Democratic countries have a strong respect for the businesses that make them grow. Governments are all corrupt, but democratic governments adapt their corruption at great personal sacrifice in order to be capitalist. Not like a certain neighbour of ours. But then, what do you expect from a part-time dictatorship and failed democracy?
  • Democracies know better than countries that are not democracies. Check. We do know better. Ask our neighbours. What is more, we have thousands of years of experience of having the best thinking. Many intelligent people in America are from India or want to become Indians.
  • Governments of democratic countries have mysterious processes shrouded in protective layers of national security so that other less evolved countries don’t copy them.
  • The four pillars of democracy are – business, film industry, politics and military.

However, the most important measure of a democracy is that all the people agree on what is best, and the government sees to it that they are informed about it. We are working on this. It would have been better if we weren’t infested with pesky activists with ill formed, half baked and absolutely dangerous misconceptions of democracy. Such people should be arrested and never let out of prison. They prevent people from understanding correctly what they really want.

Thus proved.

Dear friends, we should start a petition to change the name of our democratic country. If you agree, please sign below with your name and comments. If you don’t, you realize, don’t you, that you are really a communist and traitor?

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