Obituary: No one totalled my Aston Martin

tricyce in the back of a traffic police pick up

Friends, family and dear beloved fans. It is a sad day for humanity. A very expensive dearly cherished vehicle is no more. We shall mourn its sad demise.

I understand that the leading question in everyone’s mind is how. Well, a car like this has a mind of its own, and it used to like to go on drives. That day, as it was leaving, I did my best to stop it, but it wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I sent a security detail after it to protect the driver. No there was no driver. This was a very expensive car, you understand? It had self drive.

Who was the chap who got out of it?

No one. No one got out of the car. It was a hologram. The company said it was a feature for third world countries where people may be shocked by a car that drove itself (Haven’t you watched “Love Bug”, idiot?). So the car had this feature installed, where after a crash, a hologram shows a person exiting it safely, so that people don’t worry. Also people can be a bit rattled after an accident and imagine a young man got out of my Aston Martin, if they aren’t used to self drive.

My Aston Martin drives itself. Which is why it crashes sometimes. Artificial Intelligence is so unreliable in 3rd world countries. So this car was in the habit of going on drives, and this turned out to be its last one.

*phone buzzes* One minute. *Checks message*

So like I was saying, there was the driver in the car who was an ex-fighter plane pilot (you must admit it is pretty atriotic to employ ex servicemen) and he tried an outside loop, because he saw the security detail and thought it was a dogfight. So anyway, in the middle of this Outside loop, a car came into his way from nowhere. The police are trying to find out the motives of the people in this car trying to prevent a patriotic pilot from practicing his moves. Alas, as it often happens with rich victims like this car, the truth is likey to forever remain hidden.

Anyway, under the circumstances, we did the best we could. We protected the driver who TOTALLED my beautiful Aston Martin (Gandhi, you owe me one) and we saved the underpaid and overburdened police the added burden of interrogating yet another witness to this spirited car’s mishap. If my driver totals the car, last thing I’d want is to leave him there for the police to hold him responsible for my precious Aston Martin. Whenever my driver totals my Aston Martin, his security’s brief is to protect him. Forget it already. It is procedure.

We did the best we could, recognizing that us elites have an added responsibility of making the lives of the less fortunate, easier.

Who was driving the car?

Are I told you na! No one was driving. You think this would have happened if someone was driving? He was off duty behind the wheel. Driver. He confessed too, once he realized he had harmed an innocent car. What’s his name? Bansi something.

What about your son?

My son is out of the country and unavailable for comment. The accident feature hologram had been designed to look like him as a mark of honor.

*phone buzzes* Just a minute. *Checks message*

 What accident were you asking about? The Maruti 800 that upturned two cars on Peddar road? I have no idea. I don’t drive cheap cars. My own car is fine. It is in a garage in Dubai. We have changed its nameplate to protect its privacy. Media has no ethics these days. They had printed the story of the demise of my beloved Aston Martin. Imagine!

No no, the car is fine, the son is fine. Both are abroad. No comment on whether they are together or vacationing separately. No one trashed my Aston Martin. I was just trying to console you because *you* were worried about some Aston Martin. He doesn’t even sound Indian.

I hope the matter is now clear and you can proceed to the next outrage instead of inventing some Aston Martin accident… There are serious crimes happening like young children traumatized by traffic police:

tricyce in the back of a traffic police pick up
In a shocking incident, a child who had parked his tricycle in a no parking zone was in for a rude shock when police towed it away.

-Image courtesy @news_houndz

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