The idiot proof guide to media justice for women’s rights

Detail from Cloister Conspiracy, a sculpture by Philip Jackson, pictured during his one man exhibition Sacred and Profane, at the Bishop's Palace in Wells, Somerset.

The best and most important learnings are best done from the mistakes of others.

~ Anonymous

Detail from Cloister Conspiracy, a sculpture by Philip Jackson, pictured during his one man exhibition Sacred and Profane, at the Bishop's Palace in Wells, Somerset. Detail from Cloister Conspiracy, a sculpture by Philip Jackson, pictured during his one man exhibition Sacred and Profane, at the Bishop’s Palace in Wells, Somerset.

Considering how many women make mistakes getting justice for themselves, here are some quick tips for getting the scales of media justice to tip in your favor.
Step 1: Choose your court. Media or law?

Explanation: Cases drag on for years in media courts and justice is like a distant lighthouse – usually on the other end of the rocks where your ship flounders. Media courts, on the other hand love to dispense justice and live in the moment. 
Tabadtob insaaf!
Your case will be over within the week! If at all it is not dismissed on sight.
Read on. The following document explains how to apply successfully in media courts.
Step 2: Choose your assaulter carefully.

Explanation: Some groups of people do not commit wrongs. Other groups of people do horrendous wrongs. Therefore, it is in your interest to get assaulted by those who do wrongs instead of those who don’t. And for heaven’s sake don’t accuse media. That will get buried faster than a rotting body in a mafia don’s backyard.
Only exception is, of course media that has been declared wrong. Like Tehelka or something. Take your cues from … never mind.
Step: 3: Avoid police stations

Explanation: Do not rescue yourself. Wait for someone to rescue you and force action instead of brazenly speaking up for yourself. Women demanding their own rights is what we want for our FUTURE… right now, unless you want your attention seeking nature exposed, you had best wait for someone to explain to others how you were violated. Plain fact of the matter is that if you are ashamed of yourself, great! If you don’t blame yourself, you’ll get blamed for seeking attention. I mean who wouldn’t love people noticing their humiliation, right? So wait to be noticed when someone is free.
Step 4: Avoid proofs, remain anonymous

Explanation: Do not go to doctors while examination can prove the crime against you. That is the old fashioned “court of law” method. See the Mumbai Gang Rape of photojournalist. Proofs got her attackers nailed, but media mostly yawned once that part started. They recovered stones from Soni Sori’s body. Thenga. The reason for this probably is that doctors and forensics professionals probably don’t have the idle time to appear on talk shows, so the attention deficit media moves on to more affordable headlines like a grasshopper on cocaine. The key parts of the crime against you must be of the “he said, she said” variety, so that available panel experts can cover them, whatever they are.
Step 5: Most important – GIVE MEDIA EXCLUSIVES!!!

Explanation: You can be as wronged as you like, but the real key to getting media to get justice for you is for you to also give them something they want. Media wants TRPs. Media wants exclusives. Leave your suicide note in your bedroom, where reporters can get it from cops and cover to the point of hysteria. Try nice leaks that can be published as they are to avoid reporter overwork syndrome. Try leaking CDs of accusations. India TV will butcher your assaulter on prime time.
== Afterthought ==
What happens if you ignore these rules?

Don’t be like Tanu Sharma. Who Tanu Sharma? Some attention seeker. Do you see her in news headlines?

Accusing media of harassment? The first rule of the fight club is you don’t talk about the fight club. This is almost as bad as accusing Harish Bhatia of Dainik Bhaskar of exploiting female employees. Bet you didn’t hear such blasphemy either! Are you crazy? No talking about the fight club. Do a Radia tapes on it right now. Raised to the burial power of a paid news report.
Worse! Facebook update as a suicide note? Seriously? That is almost as bad as a forwarded SMS as official resignation that even trumps legal contracts. Now if it was a Youtube video of a suicide attempt, perhaps it could be forgiven. Better still, a media only event.

Now they are saying Tanu Sharma needs psychiatric attention. Obviously! Why would a woman who works for India TV not *willingly* socialize with powerful people for money? You think they are running a media house or something?
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