It has been a while since I have problems with my husband. Every time I tried to walk out, I thought I may not be able to, without support. Depended on parents, depended on miracles, didn’t work. Perhaps a part of me was not ready to take the step. I thought of parents, in-laws, old people. Thought of fifty reasons it won’t work. Stayed stuck in same place.
This morning, I realized it is not working. I am getting more and more depressed. I got thoroughly blamed for the home being a mess. For not feeding the husband before he heads out of home, for not doing the fifty things a wife is “supposed to” do. Which is all true. The house is a mess. Even with a maid, it is dirty, cluttered, dusty… and I couldn’t care less. The verbal abuse and constant criticism has gotten such that no matter what I do, there will be something to hang me for. I don’t WANT to do things that toe expectations. I am severely depressed, have no ID, money, no motivation to do anything at all, except write on my blog, which keeps me sane and in touch with the person I am without being imprisoned with constant blame, but social media can’t bathe, feed, care for a child, home, me. Being sane only to keep bearing up with the status quo isn’t working.
On the other hand, the responsibilities I do have are all typically taken by the husband, which no one cares to point out or find unfair. The little that they agree is unfair apparently shouldn’t stop me from doing “my duty”. From someone who cooked twice a day, took on cleaning missions, painted home myself when out of funds, to someone who doesn’t even tidy the room for the maid to sweep is a long fall. The son himself is suffering, as I escape online rather than face the mess that life is. This is my rock bottom, and the only way out is up.
I am “the trouble” with everything, for everyone. While I disagree with this, I am my own trouble for sure. I have let things get to this point from being a person who thought she married an equal, independent human.
Making this clear, it is not a victim thing, I am as responsible for the shit I am in, as others. I am no easy person to live with, nor have I been a doormat, exactly. Nor will I be. This situation isn’t working. I need to find a way for happy futures of all concerned.
This will not do. I am unhappy, son is unhappy, everyone is unhappy, and it is “my fault”. In other words, it is also mine to fix as I see fit. Here is the plan. Putting it out here, so that your ideas can come in handy too.
Getting ID paperwork done. Easiest fix seems to be to pay someone to assist with getting passport done. Will do.This is going to have to wait till I have a new residential address.- One bank accounts are in married name, two are in maiden name. PAN Card is in maiden name. Reverting all to maiden name – or closing the ones that won’t change, opening new accounts.
- Taxes need to be filed for three years. I have nothing to pay, will probably get refund, but needs done. Big hassle with stuff misplaced with accountant a few years back never got fixed. Need to get that done.
- Rent a place to live. Cheap, small town, whatever. Electricity, water and internet reach (what little income I have is online) || Alternative has been suggested here that I wait to move out and purchase a flat and move into that. || Still checking out options.
- Contact women’s help organizations and ask if any other woman needs help getting out of abusive home and has a child or other constraints making it tough. She can live with me for free, help with my son, while I can provide basic needs for family, so she doesn’t have to wonder where to go, what if I starve, etc. either. I will get much needed back up for babysitting. and company.
- Contact some sort of lawyer and figure out divorce as well as maintenance or whatever my child and I are due, but not depend on it, or I’ll be stuck again. Work in progress.
- Ask for help as and when I need. Not borrow money, but ask for money given, so that I don’t begin new life with loans. In turn, try and keep an open house for women in trouble who need a place to stay. Spread the support, so to say.
Thought out so much, so far.
What do you think? Will this work? How can I improve it? Can you help? Do you know someone who needs help, who may want to walk along? Do you want to walk along in support?
Chime in with your ideas – Appreciated.
Hi Vidyut,
You are a strong woman and an inspiration. I am sure your decision hasn’t been an easy one. But wanted you remind you of something. Will your husband let you go easy? I mean, will he give away his son’s custody readily? Will you have to fight for it? Have you planned that?
I have heard of so many horror stories of women living in abusive relationships and bearing it all silently, too scared to move out. I only wish more of them were like you.
I wish you luck. Do keep us updated.
Regards,
Sheela
Vidyut,
I will help out in any way I can. We’ll find a way.
Money is always issue No 1 before walking out, and it should be too. If you were alone, maybe you could have managed somehow. But if you have a child who is dependent on you, it is much much much harder.
Better take complete stock of the situation before taking any step.
Taking up a job will not be the worst option, believe me!
Vidyut : Forget the world, forget the family. Speak less outside, Speak less inside, Dont touch internet and phone for few days. But navigate inside your mind, see what are the things exists in your past memory and see how your mind is behaving. Go little deeper into this, you will find all which you are and what you are suppose to do. External ideas helps only impressing only external people, internal ideas helps impressing only you.
Good luck for a great beginning 🙂