When I die
It is one of those snapshot moments. A stock taking of life that tells me I am standing exactly where I was the last time I was at the end of my rope. I am alone. I am not suicidal, not fearing for my life or physical safety, but I just generally feel so low that it just seems like I don’t have much fuel left. I am not looking to die in any way. At least not as long as my son is alive and dependent on me.
It just struck me that I have literally no one I can leave my responsibilities to. I had a grand rebellion a few months ago and I decided that I would save up enough money to move out of my home. So far, the slight improvement I could achieve will not sustain me independently. I do not wish to send my son to child care, because he is not able to speak and convey if there is any problem. And typically of me, end of the rope means that it is time to hunker down and put one foot ahead of the other and keep going. What remains is to endure till a better time.
It seems I am always out of time and energy. I have not given up, but this is one of those times when nothing seems to be going right. I have no confidence left in me. That is the truth. Or perhaps I am just weary. It will pass. I have no doubt.
Just wanted to make some things known in case something does happen to me. It doesn’t seem that I will have anyone close to me who will know the important bits I would want known even if I succeed in getting my freedom. This is not a “Last Words” kind of post. Simply the realization that there are many things that will go into oblivion with me (even if I go at 90 years), so putting some information out.
- Most important. My son’s medication. Lioresal syrup. Half spoon, thrice a day. No one else will know this.
- I will be putting a file on the desktop of my laptop with details of my online assets. Web server hosting, domain registration and such. If anyone wants to keep my websites alive they may. The content is creative commons anyway. I am also planning to keep an updated archive of the website for download once I get the content organized – whoever wants can take it – also when I am alive 😀
- I have no idea who takes care of my son. Which is an important reason why I am not suicidal. I do hope enough people care enough to ask after him. Whether he is happy or not. With any luck, I will outlive him.
- I don’t have many possessions. Mostly a bicycle, phone, desktop and laptop. No specific preference.
- Any money from my blog, anything in my bank, some gold I have, should all go toward keeping the kid happy.
- If, when I die, I own a home, it should become a kind of open house where women in need can come and live. Will think through the details of it when I have a home.
- My son should know that I have a great time with him. He is no trouble. The easiest of my responsibilities and the most joyful. I am lucky to know him. Honored, humbled, enriched.
Most importantly, I have lived to my full and without regrets. I have been me without hesitation, doing what I care about, being with my son. I may not currently be able to achieve the freedom I want, but I still am doing things that matter to me. No matter when I die, I will have died happy.
And hopefully I’ll live long enough to get trolled about writing sentimental posts and not following through 😀
PS: I am NOT suicidal. Do not panic. I am also not particularly sad. Just stuck. Not for long, hopefully. Please don’t tell me I need to walk out of this home. I KNOW that. I am just not able to make it happen with Nisarga in tow. Sooner or later, I will. Till then I have to endure.