This morning in my rabbit hole

I hate it when the father abuses the mother and I’m powerless to prevent. I intervene to tell him to speak with her better, he tells me to find my own place to live because he will behave how he likes in his own house. No, he doesn’t think this is my mother’s house. He has “kept” her instead of leaving her because of me apparently.

She is serene. Stopped objecting long ago. So morning begins with him waking up early and wanting to tidy the bedding away by waking us up too. Things and what he wants with them are always more of a priority than people. Mother was sleeping. Didn’t move at first order. So her morning began with pleasant inquiry as to when she’s finally going to die, so that there is no question of waking her up. And he thinks I have a bad character for always running from home. Bastard.

He talks garbage at me, I fight back. So he mostly leaves me alone, except for stray insults and orders to leave home, etc. She just… takes it all. Three and half decades now. Broken. She used to fight once. My father’s family ganged up in criticism and her own family shut up because they were the “girl’s side”. He saved money, and lends it out and much is not noticed by people who “are witness to his generosity”. People who forget that that is THEIR money, not his, when they choose to call her names, judge her “failures” and now accept her as insane and my father’s burden. Now she is schizophrenic. She thinks that he gets angry with her, because she is like that.

Bloody heartbreaking to see your mother asked to spare your father a permanent headache and just go and die because he is tired of the shame of her stupidity. That she should die of some hideous disease and be abandoned because she never did anything for anyone etc etc. Verbal violence. Such hate!

It has always been like that. From the time I remember. I too have been on the receiving end and I usually leave the home at any cost – even if it is a jump from frying pan into fire. This time with the son there, I can’t afford rash choices. And he knows I will leave, and doesn’t want to lose his grandchild, so it is slightly better – I get asked to leave only about six times a day, instead of twenty.

Or maybe she is right and it doesn’t matter because “he is like that only” 🙁 In all her meek acceptance of decades of abuse, this understanding is the only thing left of that spark that made her amazing once. She is clear that “HE” is like that only. She knows he is wrong, she’s powerless to fight it or even challenge hideous things said about her, but somewhere, that dim bulb is telling her that it is not her fault.

Some people should never marry. Never have kids. I escaped one, am stuck with the first. A long way to go still. My father absolutely adores N and N likes him, and it gives me shivers to see them together, even though he never says anything to N – so far. This man has controlled, cheapened and abused my mother’s life and mine. I don’t want his shadow over my son’s life. Yet, in this time of need, he is the one who owns the roof. Nor do I want my son growing up with his talks as “normal”. Mood like the sky outside. Dark. Quite obvious that I am going to have to move on. I hope I succeed in taking the mother with me this time at least.

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Vidyut is a blogger on issues of National interest. Staunch advocate of rights, learning and freedoms. @Vidyut

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