Vidyut and a local woman from the village Sethan, Manali

Dear misogynist troll, I’m not a feminist. I’m worse.

On an internet where a woman with opinions attracts a flock of men advising her on the opinions she should have, women who refuse to listen often become targets of those who decry them as feminists. And sometimes end up applying the label wrongly. As in my case. I am not a feminist. I think feminism is too focused on men, too focused on the face off with power than results, and has tepid goals.

I believe that every person on the planet should have the freedom to pursue his or her goals without interference as long as they don’t harm anyone. Women face far more interference in the pursuit of their goals than men do. Often in the form of artificially imposed limits on what they should or shouldn’t do, or preemptive demoralization about what they won’t be able to do. Also I am a woman. So I take particular interest that women find ways over, under around or through unfair blocks to their pursuit of their choices.

Unlike feminism, I’m not bothered about men with regard to women’s rights. In a country like India, where rights of everyone are trampled to some or other degree, wanting equal rights as men would practically amount to committing to limit yourself. If I’m fighting unjust limitations, why in the world would I commit to fighting them only to the degree men are able to? Besides, who died and made men the gold standard anyway? Society today is structured to suit men. Getting an equal stake in it will still not make it suit women unless women go ahead and create what fits their needs. And they are capable and they are doing it. And when blocked, they deserve the support to get past those blocks. Asking a male dominated society or government to grant women rights is totally not my game. I don’t acknowledge the ownership of the male gender over rights of the female gender to grant or otherwise.

I don’t care for the constant face offs with patriarchy that feminism gets into. Sure, they are necessary sometimes. But most times, it is just giving too much importance to what should be undermined, not persuaded. I prefer to get women past blocks by hook or crook and leaving misogyny to deal with it. In a magnanimous mood, I may even offer sympathy for their loss of power over women and provide some tips on surviving in a changing world. I prefer sneaky ways that avoid confrontations and spend the energy on results for women than teaching reluctant men lessons they don’t want to learn.

I also find that feminism focuses on very few and specific problems women face – which usually aren’t the biggest in normal pursuit of self actualization. While fighting injustice is important, the excessive focus often borders on surreal and can be very counter productive for women. And a lot of guerilla tactics women use to succeed in day to day life in real life, which I heartily endorse because they get results, would go against the ethics of feminism. Particularly under conditions of extreme repression. For example, compromising with patriarchy and wearing a 4 foot ghunghat, but using the “virtue” goodwill and negotiating the right to hold an indepeendent bank account – an area far more important that “tradition” doesn’t have much “guidelines” for.

To give the bottom line, I’m interested in knowing what is the priority for the woman in question and using every trick, clean or dirty to help her achieve it, before moving to next priority. Picking battles. Sneaking in goals instead of face offs against a far more powerful and dangerous entity.

Feminism today works on TV. The ground reality in India is vastly different. A girl who falls for the propaganda to believe she has the right to wear what she wants WILL end up catering to the male gaze in the name of her “right”, often sacrificing hard authority for acceptance and approval. Because what is “fashionable” caters to the male gaze. In the process, if her boobs get taken more seriously than her marksheet or if a rapist who is fully wrong ends up wrecking her life, it doesn’t really matter who is wrong, because she will foot the bill regardless. Where are the voices explaining what women who wield power know from hard experience? That like you can dress to convey authority and professionalism, you can also dress to convey sexual permissiveness – which is what a lot of fashion does? Where are all the feminists who insist “I never ask for it” explaining how they dress strategically to present themselves advantageously in situations? Even to the point of conveying aloofness to imply authority? Merely stating the extremes of what is allowed is not empowerment. Knowledge is power.Having a competent strategy for situations that may put women at a disadvantage is power. Yep, you can totally flaunt your body if you want. Here is how and when to do it, so you get the results you want, instead of having to dodge gropers or having your brother arrested for your murder. THAT is empowerment.

We have a lot of theory – which is good. But there is little tying it to hard practical life experiences. Most of the conversations are in the stratosphere in a country where a woman can tell her friend “last night was fantastic. He totally raped me” – implying vigorous sex and not a rape at all. Where are the initial conversations that set definitions and ground rules on consent before the esoteric stuff on what the slightest rape is?

So no, I’m not a feminist. I’m a whatever worksist. Including falling in with patriarchy to mitigate risks for the more important stuff that must not fail. My idea of winning strategies is those that succeed before people wanting to block them even realize the move was made. And if they do realize, I’ll choose my attacks, not meet them on their turf. The goal is success, the blocks are a waste of time and to fully be avoided as far as possible.

If you think women should know their place, I’m not a feminist, playing by the rules of a male dominated society. I’m much, much worse.

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4 thoughts on “Dear misogynist troll, I’m not a feminist. I’m worse.”

  1. Good approach! fly below the radar when need be, come out in the open when need be. Understanding the opponent and the need to get past them with least resistance and never getting overwhelmed by any outcome, finally making all of this a sustainable approach.

  2. I have read the entire article thoroughly. I apprecite the brave approach and the undestanding of barriers and limits. Equality will be on the basis of gender or anything can be achieved with a process and evolution of equality not only interms of rights but the contribution as well. Unfortunate is our system that doesnt allow the oportunities and the equal platform the way it should hve been not only to the Women but to all deprived and weaker sectiions of the society. Our constitution has provisions but implementation is still a far cry… enjoy and keep writing.

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