My experience with domestic violence

By | October 2, 2011

Many see women who remain in abusive circumstances as somehow not fighting back. They are assumed to be reconciled to their fate in life. Many think they develop a kind of dependency. I can say for certain from my own experience and from conversations with abused women I met, that if a viable option emerged, we’d grab with both hands.

However, it isn’t as clear cut as that. Definitions of viable are subjective.

My mother suffered verbal abuse for years. My father was constantly at her for doing a job and neglecting the home, he called her everything from insane and fat to a whore. I remember that she used to give her salary to him, and he used to give her daily expenses to travel to work. It was a time when MTNL was less formal. When operators still knit sweaters when they weren’t attending calls at work.

If there was a problem with taking care of me, my mother often took me to work with her. Not often, but I’d been there enough to know how the call answering worked and dockets were filed, and I often helped with my neat handwriting. I felt all grown up. The women and men barely interacted, but my mother NEVER spoke with the men unless it was work or otherwise unavoidable. No casual conversations, nothing. I didn’t find it strange, because I didn’t know her to act in any other way.

We walked to the station from home, and then again from the station to her office. Rickshaws were a luxury to be avoided. I don’t know if she had money to do all four walks by rickshaw instead, even though she earned a salary.

The series “A life in Clothes” describes a lot of this time and what it did to me.

As I grew older, I started stopping him when he went on his verbal sprees. I used to counter with logic and rubbish his words as false. That made me a target soon enough – like mother, like daughter – I didn’t see anything worth his words in her actions.

I don’t know what a normal husband wife relationship is like. All I knew, when I chose men to share my life with, is that they shouldn’t talk foul like this man. I didn’t have any deal breakers if a man will respect me and speak with me well. When I married my husband, I see now that there were warning signs from the word go of his controlling streak. I didn’t notice them. Actually, I noticed them, but I didn’t think they were that bad. I had no standards of behaviour of my own. If I easily survived some words, then they were not bad. It never occured to me to question if I should be spoken with like this at all. Besides, anything that can get me away from my father was a big plus, right?

Several friends from abusive homes have shared this exact logic. They grew up in abusive environments, and got into abusive relationships.

And it is not one way traffic. I also often acted in a way that was abusive. Because it was my “normal”. I did not think it was a big deal if I taunted someone with an insult and demeaned something about him, because that was how anger is expressed in my parent’s home. It took me a long time of living away from that influence to learn to see the impact of my behaviour and learn to find more respectful ways of expressing myself – particularly in anger. It still sometimes gets tempting to use exact phrases that I have heard all my life. Though now I know that isn’t a good idea and I now don’t want to inflict the hurt they are capable of, even in anger, but ugly words are available to my mind in an instant, to use if I want – YEARS after understanding their impact and complete discontinuation of such talk.

Countless relationships have been damaged because I used to be extremely touchy about any perceived insult (sometimes not even intended). I didn’t recognise inappropriate behaviour with me, leading to realizing a relationship is abusive very, very late, and then, feeling cornered, by retaliations were ugly and destructive. It was a long, long battle fighting my own mouth to save my own heart. It was a long battle learning to become sensitive to nuances of behaviour and defusing demeaning behaviour as soon as it manifested, before it established. It was still too late for my current marriage, I suppose.

People don’t realize, but this is an important help needed – understanding and longterm counselling or other learning.

It didn’t help that my husband is a chauvinist. He didn’t appear like that, because he “approves” of confident women. Unfortunately, it took me after being married to realize that he approved of confident women only when he agreed with them.

So, he is capable of civil talk. His way of “managing” me is through using me and disallowing things I want if they are not interest to him. It doesn’t stop me, but it killed the relationship.

Many think that violence is what you see in films. The husband hitting his wife, pulling her by her long hair to the door and kicking her out of the house, etc. We even don’t see the occasional angry slap as violence. In reality, violence is experienced, not defined by specific actions.

Emotional violence of constant taunts. Demeaning words…. over the years, they erode the will. They make a person lose confidence. They make ordinary things seem overwhelming. The constant sword of approval changes every action into one that is constantly wary of reactions. And the emotional abuse hurts. Victims go to great lengths to avoid it ranging from confrontations to an eventual tuning out and mental defeat.

My mother is like that. My father says hideous things. There is no way they won’t hurt. Just not possible. She looks serene. Sometimes she actually hasn’t heard his words at all. The woman who had a job, did Himalayan treks including a Kailash Manasarovar parikrama today doesn’t leave the house at all. Depressed doesn’t begin to cover it. A kind word reduces her to tears and an immediate tuning out of it, as though she can’t trust it. She is now paranoid schizophrenic. She used to suffer from delusions. She had an entire world she lived in and ignored the real abuse, though the hallucinations were rarely kind either.

I am a firebrand on the internet. Vibrant, extremely attractive and engaging on my own. In any situation with my husband, I am totally quiet. Talking no more than needed, disinterested. Frankly, I don’t want to be there at all. I am not comfortable being wary for what he will say or do next.

In avoiding a man who verbally insults all day, I got one who doesn’t abuse unless drunk, but does the same harm without verbal abuse all day anyway. He patronizes and controlls with aggression anything he doesn’t find useful.

Three of my friends have been physically hit at home. One with a hot laddle by her mother in law over some argument. One slapped. One pushed so hard that she fell and kicked once in her back – alcoholic husband. The one who was slapped is still with her husband. The other two have moved on.

Financial violence happens. Today, in our home, I pay all the bills. All. Till before my son was born, I even paid the husband’s mobile bills and credit card bills, because we owned a business together, though it rarely made profit. My income from my individual work paid most of this money. The downside is that there is no money to escape either. I used to earn a lot when I worked. If I wasn’t spending it all on home, I could afford a place to stay right now. Even in Mumbai.

The logic: Because I use the computer and internet a lot and I purchased the AC, I should pay the electricity and phone bill – I use most of the amount. Because I use the kitchen, I should pay for the gas, and because the maid makes my work lighter, I should pay her too. I should pay health insurance premiums, because it was my bank, and his was only the add on insurance. When we order food from outside, I should pay the bills, because it is my job to cook that I am avoiding by ordering it delivered. I shop, so I pay the bills and it is “petty” to ask for part of it from him. I use the internet. Aggression gets me to the point of “pay this bill now, I’ll return later”. Later he has no money and will get angry if I push it. Of course, the money for drinking miraculously never runs out. A professional video camera, a phone – loaned to his friends, never seen again. Money loaned to him, his friends, never seen again. The list is endless. I stopped keeping track after some 80k he will return one day happened 3 years ago. His shoes cost 4k though.

Why am I gullible? It is the anger and aggression and alcoholism. Seems easier to pay when I have money than face the anger if I don’t.

There is sexual violence. Sexual violence seems to be a staple of all abusive relationships. I am sure there are exceptions. I haven’t seen enough victims to meet them. It looks different from the films. There is no screaming running around and tearing clothes as such. The most common manifestation I have seen is utter disregard for the wife’s comfort, enjoyment or willingness. Sex becomes a facility it is her duty to provide. Only one woman I know has actually been raped violently. Most of us have been raped with lower physical violence. Refusals to accept “no”. “persuasion” which basically involves refusal to let the wife sleep with constant “requests” till she complies. Inappropriate, demeaning touches. Two women had husbands who wanted sexual experimentation. Details are not required, but the point is they didn’t want sex of any kind.

I have been groped more times at home by my husband than on a bus. It feels worse. Take my word for it. More so when he doesn’t speak with me at all except to tell me what to do, or wanting sex after drunk. Yeah, like capping a drinking binge with a “whore”. I don’t allow it, but the fact that I live with someone who wants it gives me the creeps. But what option do I have? Anyone going to be interested in preventing a man from groping his wife? Particularly a wife who refuses him? Nah. If she didn’t refuse him, he wouldn’t be frustrated enough to do such things. No one finds it odd that a woman is supposed to have sex with a man who makes her feel threatened with clothes on already.

Society actually colludes with sexual violence to an astonishing degree. Advice like catering to the demands to “keep husband happy” has been received several times by all the women I know. The fact that they are married turns it into a duty. Any talk about sex being enjoyable, or in one case painful is ignored and sex is recommended as a fix all for every problem. Other ways include helpfully blocking any avoidance of separate sleeping arrangements, ignoring any sounds of inappropriate force during sex out of “politeness”. This talk is ugly, but the fact is that I know more women who are forced into sex after marriage than I know women who enjoy it. Including women with healthy sexual drives.

Every woman in a bad situation would like to find a fairy tale ending. Even the more “traditional ones” if they could be assured that they wouldn’t be victimized for leaving their husband. This is a promise no one can make, because their own families would lead the charge. They wouldn’t mind working for rehabilitating. But their experience of abuse often leaves them unable to evaluate or trust if the aid being offered would be enough for them to survive on. Yes. Every woman leaving an abusive situation has survival alone on her mind. Depression, lowered initiative, lack of confidence contribute to making this look near impossible.

What may appear to the world as a woman refusing to take responsibility of her own life can also be a woman chosing the devil she knows whom she would leave like a shot if she found a choice that she felt she could do.

This is why shelters, counselling and rehabilitation programmes being publicized is important. Their power to rehabilitate needs to be seen, heard often, so that more people may make that leap of faith.

It is not about chosing to live with abuse so much as feeling that they have little choice.

I left my husband 2 months ago. Last week, I came back because both our families pressured me into a last try. I had a choice to ignore them, but then, my son would grow up with takes about how his mother ruined his life. One chance they wanted, to make them happy, to get their buy in once they realized how bad things were, I knowingly walked back in. Last night was a disaster. 3 nights ago, I had the ugliest violation of my life – sexual, though not sex. This time, I told the mother in law bluntly when she asked me to shut down the computer and sleep on time – no way was I getting into bed with her son home and before he slept. She told me it is the women’s lot in life. What do I answer this? She understands it all. She is “on my side” in her words. She is pissed with her son for years now, but she flat out refuses to see beyond “it is a woman’s lot in life”.

I am no wimp. I don’t put up with it, but short of abandoning N to an alcoholic father, I MUST depend on support – which is there, but still not enough for me to sustain myself independently. Not yet. Work in Progress.

That is me and I’m a fighter to the last breath. This kind of lonely walk is overwhelming for many.

I wrote this article specially in support of Violence Against Women Awareness Month, because speaking out is important.

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72 thoughts on “My experience with domestic violence

  1. Anurussell

    My heart bleeds for you. You are a strong independent woman with choices. There are others who cannot see past their abusive lives. So take the chance with the leap of faith. There are many single parent kids who are successful in life and yours will be too. You will show your child to love and respect woman. So proud of the fact that you have decided to face your life in your words. I am sure reading through your own post will tell you what to do!

    All the best!

    Reply
  2. Anurussell

    My heart bleeds for you. You are a strong independent woman with choices. There are others who cannot see past their abusive lives. So take the chance with the leap of faith. There are many single parent kids who are successful in life and yours will be too. You will show your child to love and respect woman. So proud of the fact that you have decided to face your life in your words. I am sure reading through your own post will tell you what to do!

    All the best!

    Reply
  3. Ratna Thakur12

    Somehow i  can’t say how the son will react when he grows up it all depends on the environment in which he will be brought up , if he is in an environ in which his close associates do not have somewhat same stories i.e, of abuse he will blame his mom for opting out n ruining his life or not making him know his father well , on the other hand if his environs have his type of associates he may give kudos to his mother for walking out. my own son is of the belief that if others can tolerate why can’t i though i m not talking of domestic violence in particular ,it is of tolerating other relations of his around who have indirectly been ‘ influential in my life in a negative way. . Believe me children carry lot of genes of their father , at least this is what nature also decides , someday a research is going to prove this for sure, until of course the children r brought up in entirely isolation or in a foreign environ
    However, his/ her (child’s) relationship with his father will decide a lot what he will have to say when he grows up. children when they r small in age rely totally on love for thei reactions, untill .of course the mother is feeding horror stories of his father on daily basis which only a weak woman will do an educated one will focus only on his positive growth.

    Reply
  4. Ratna Thakur12

    Somehow i  can’t say how the son will react when he grows up it all depends on the environment in which he will be brought up , if he is in an environ in which his close associates do not have somewhat same stories i.e, of abuse he will blame his mom for opting out n ruining his life or not making him know his father well , on the other hand if his environs have his type of associates he may give kudos to his mother for walking out. my own son is of the belief that if others can tolerate why can’t i though i m not talking of domestic violence in particular ,it is of tolerating other relations of his around who have indirectly been ‘ influential in my life in a negative way. . Believe me children carry lot of genes of their father , at least this is what nature also decides , someday a research is going to prove this for sure, until of course the children r brought up in entirely isolation or in a foreign environ
    However, his/ her (child’s) relationship with his father will decide a lot what he will have to say when he grows up. children when they r small in age rely totally on love for thei reactions, untill .of course the mother is feeding horror stories of his father on daily basis which only a weak woman will do an educated one will focus only on his positive growth.

    Reply
  5. BlueHornbill

    I couldn’t stop the tears. So much hardship, and yet you stood up against it, bravo, I applaud your spirit. Keep it alive and get out as soon as you manage. Nobody should be trapped in an unhappy and abusive marriage. All the best dear sister. 

    Reply
  6. BlueHornbill

    I couldn’t stop the tears. So much hardship, and yet you stood up against it, bravo, I applaud your spirit. Keep it alive and get out as soon as you manage. Nobody should be trapped in an unhappy and abusive marriage. All the best dear sister. 

    Reply
  7. Just Me

    Hugs. You may be describing my situation to a T. Except for the fact that I do not earn, so have even less to fall back on.

    Reply
  8. Just Me

    Hugs. You may be describing my situation to a T. Except for the fact that I do not earn, so have even less to fall back on.

    Reply
  9. lady lovesblogs

    It takes guts to write about about one’s own life. I take this as your first step towards freedom. Most women are not clear about what they are going through, but seems like you are.

    Please get out today, you are financially independent, trust me, your son will turn our just fine, you need not put up with this kind of abuse from a drunken husband.
    My aunt suffered in such a relationship and stayed back for the sake of her son, today at 25 the son hates both his parents for what he was put through. He plans to divorce them now for some closure in his life.

    Good luck, stay happy.

    Reply
  10. lady lovesblogs

    It takes guts to write about about one’s own life. I take this as your first step towards freedom. Most women are not clear about what they are going through, but seems like you are.

    Please get out today, you are financially independent, trust me, your son will turn our just fine, you need not put up with this kind of abuse from a drunken husband.
    My aunt suffered in such a relationship and stayed back for the sake of her son, today at 25 the son hates both his parents for what he was put through. He plans to divorce them now for some closure in his life.

    Good luck, stay happy.

    Reply
  11. Rajnish

    Dont worry about your son. if you want to move out dont let him become an excuse to not move out. he may grow up to understand or may not. most probably he will. when he grows up and asks you why you moved out, just tell him the truth. Rest is not in your hands.
    When problems come, sometimes we try to act as superheoes without realising that we dont have their capacity. in this case, you can only do as much as you have the capacity of doing. Be sure that if you stay with him you will never let your son know of your problems. Can you guarantee that? if not it will be worse for him. Just think if you would have preferred your parents staying together and apply it to your son.

    Reply
  12. Rajnish

    Dont worry about your son. if you want to move out dont let him become an excuse to not move out. he may grow up to understand or may not. most probably he will. when he grows up and asks you why you moved out, just tell him the truth. Rest is not in your hands.
    When problems come, sometimes we try to act as superheoes without realising that we dont have their capacity. in this case, you can only do as much as you have the capacity of doing. Be sure that if you stay with him you will never let your son know of your problems. Can you guarantee that? if not it will be worse for him. Just think if you would have preferred your parents staying together and apply it to your son.

    Reply
  13. Manzie

    Vidhut it’s not an easy decision to walk out, you tried once… just one question.. are you giving a childhood to your son as yours?

    Reply
  14. Manzie

    Vidhut it’s not an easy decision to walk out, you tried once… just one question.. are you giving a childhood to your son as yours?

    Reply
  15. S.R.ayyangar

    A sad situation but very common sight in our country because of age old tradition and practice  that- ‘Bibi ko pairon ki joothi samjho’ . 
    This is still continued even in educated families with all the worldly knowledge about respecting spouse.As long as spouse do not exert their right, nothing will change unless they put their legs down as you did, kudos.

    Reply
  16. S.R.ayyangar

    A sad situation but very common sight in our country because of age old tradition and practice  that- ‘Bibi ko pairon ki joothi samjho’ . 
    This is still continued even in educated families with all the worldly knowledge about respecting spouse.As long as spouse do not exert their right, nothing will change unless they put their legs down as you did, kudos.

    Reply
  17. Roy Skaria

    well written piece and I recognised some of my best pals (yeah drinking buddies)  in your description of your husband.

    one part of your story i would disagree with though. You mention that “N” (i presume your son) needs support which is why you still remain in an abusive relationship. I am sorry: your son/daughter needs you more than he needs a dysfunctoinal father. If i ws “N”, i’d rather my mother walk out on an abusive relationship and manage on her meagre income with all the compromises that entails than staying back in an abusive relationship that at some level will impact the child as well.

    Reply
  18. Roy Skaria

    well written piece and I recognised some of my best pals (yeah drinking buddies)  in your description of your husband.

    one part of your story i would disagree with though. You mention that “N” (i presume your son) needs support which is why you still remain in an abusive relationship. I am sorry: your son/daughter needs you more than he needs a dysfunctoinal father. If i ws “N”, i’d rather my mother walk out on an abusive relationship and manage on her meagre income with all the compromises that entails than staying back in an abusive relationship that at some level will impact the child as well.

    Reply
  19. Gina

    I have great respect for you; I am so sorry that you have to live with this sort of violence and pain everyday. I am a survivor of violence and send support your way. Always remember you deserve love and happiness. I wish you safety and comfort.

    Reply
  20. Gina

    I have great respect for you; I am so sorry that you have to live with this sort of violence and pain everyday. I am a survivor of violence and send support your way. Always remember you deserve love and happiness. I wish you safety and comfort.

    Reply
  21. sonali ghosh

    It takes lots of guts to speak out like you. Most of us live in denial.

    Reply
    1. Manzie

      Before Speaking, addressing that I am a victim & I don’t deserve a life like this, is a matter of courage. Women are instilled with the idea that this is how life is….

      Reply
  22. sonali ghosh

    It takes lots of guts to speak out like you. Most of us live in denial.

    Reply
    1. Manzie

      Before Speaking, addressing that I am a victim & I don’t deserve a life like this, is a matter of courage. Women are instilled with the idea that this is how life is….

      Reply
  23. Xsnor

    Bad experiences and bitterness never go away . This is the start ….

    Reply
  24. Aditi

    Unless your spouse changes his behavior, this “one last try” is nothing different from what your life was the previous times. So be prepared for more of the same if you choose to continue living with the same crap. Or wake up , smell the sewer pit and move on with a separation.
         Let me paint your future for you….your son will grow up to see the degradation of women as routine. There will come a time when he will treat you as the same garbage his father saw you as. So you have two choices – stay with husband as a penniless beggar or face old age with some mental and financial security by moving out of trap you are in.

    Reply
  25. Xsnor

    Bad experiences and bitterness never go away . This is the start ….

    Reply
  26. Aditi

    Unless your spouse changes his behavior, this “one last try” is nothing different from what your life was the previous times. So be prepared for more of the same if you choose to continue living with the same crap. Or wake up , smell the sewer pit and move on with a separation.
         Let me paint your future for you….your son will grow up to see the degradation of women as routine. There will come a time when he will treat you as the same garbage his father saw you as. So you have two choices – stay with husband as a penniless beggar or face old age with some mental and financial security by moving out of trap you are in.

    Reply
  27. Life is beautiful

    Your writing brought back a ton of memories – memories deeply embedded in my past, however, not forgotten, at least not in the subconscious mind. I still wake up to nightmares. I still lack self confidence (although I never seem like I have no self confidence)  and it has been over 10 years since that relationship ended. My current life far exceeds my own expectation of a “good life”. However the scars from the past are so deep that I do not know if they will ever go away. But what I do know is that I made the right decision to move out and ever since, I have not regretted it. When I think back, I realize how “normal” all those verbal / physical / financial abuse seemed !!! And then I wonder to myself on the other hand, how I chose to endure it for over 7 years !!!

    Reply
  28. Life is beautiful

    Your writing brought back a ton of memories – memories deeply embedded in my past, however, not forgotten, at least not in the subconscious mind. I still wake up to nightmares. I still lack self confidence (although I never seem like I have no self confidence)  and it has been over 10 years since that relationship ended. My current life far exceeds my own expectation of a “good life”. However the scars from the past are so deep that I do not know if they will ever go away. But what I do know is that I made the right decision to move out and ever since, I have not regretted it. When I think back, I realize how “normal” all those verbal / physical / financial abuse seemed !!! And then I wonder to myself on the other hand, how I chose to endure it for over 7 years !!!

    Reply
  29. Anand Menon

    Woman you have some courage, could not have been one bit easy to write something like this,more so the first person narration (at least not easy for most of us)… guess there is something in there, that many of us can learn from…

    Reply
  30. Anand Menon

    Woman you have some courage, could not have been one bit easy to write something like this,more so the first person narration (at least not easy for most of us)… guess there is something in there, that many of us can learn from…

    Reply
  31. ..

    I wrote the earlier comment just by reading the first few paragraphs … it unlocked so many memories. Now that I have read your post completely, please allow me to say some more.

    > { The logic: Because I use the computer and internet a lot and I purchased the AC, I should pay the electricity and phone bill – I use most of the amount. Because I use the kitchen, I should pay for the gas, and because the maid makes my work lighter, I should pay her too. I should pay health insurance premiums, because it was my bank, and his was only the add on insurance. When we order food from outside, I should pay the bills, because it is my job to cook that I am avoiding by ordering it delivered. I shop, so I pay the bills and it is “petty” to ask for part of it from him. I use the internet. }
    I dont think you should put should put up with all this. even though i have never been married nor have been in any relationship with a women, I do not think that the above state of affairs is normal. financial exploitation of a wife (or spouse) is one of the most heinous crimes i can think of. … to me it is as hate worthy as sexual exploitation.

    > {I have been groped more times at home by my husband than on a bus. It feels worse. Take my word for it. More so when he doesn’t speak with me at all except to tell me what to do, or wanting sex after drunk. Yeah, like capping a drinking binge with a “whore”. I don’t allow it, but the fact that I live with someone who wants it gives me the creeps. But what option do I have? }

    you are provoking too many memories.

    you do have an option. my younger sis did take a divorce for exactly the same things that you have written above. she did put up with a lot (including the bit about mother-in-law cajoling “ab to yahi tumhara dharm hai”). and i must credit my parents that they supported her to the hilt. even my dad who is not exactly a non-chauvinist himself had cried his heart out after hearing my sis’ tale. the divorce case is still going on … in the meantime, it has seen my dad expire. we r now three close-knit members in the home (excluding my elder sis, who has two kids of her own and stays with her husband), if you discount my occasional absence (i am based in a different city, visiting as often as i can). my sis is financially independent BTW. 

    please DO NOT take this insult. you were NOT born to be treated this way. as someone said below, your son will respect you more if you make efforts to put an end to it.

    Best of regards.

    Reply
  32. ..

    I wrote the earlier comment just by reading the first few paragraphs … it unlocked so many memories. Now that I have read your post completely, please allow me to say some more.

    > { The logic: Because I use the computer and internet a lot and I purchased the AC, I should pay the electricity and phone bill – I use most of the amount. Because I use the kitchen, I should pay for the gas, and because the maid makes my work lighter, I should pay her too. I should pay health insurance premiums, because it was my bank, and his was only the add on insurance. When we order food from outside, I should pay the bills, because it is my job to cook that I am avoiding by ordering it delivered. I shop, so I pay the bills and it is “petty” to ask for part of it from him. I use the internet. }
    I dont think you should put should put up with all this. even though i have never been married nor have been in any relationship with a women, I do not think that the above state of affairs is normal. financial exploitation of a wife (or spouse) is one of the most heinous crimes i can think of. … to me it is as hate worthy as sexual exploitation.

    > {I have been groped more times at home by my husband than on a bus. It feels worse. Take my word for it. More so when he doesn’t speak with me at all except to tell me what to do, or wanting sex after drunk. Yeah, like capping a drinking binge with a “whore”. I don’t allow it, but the fact that I live with someone who wants it gives me the creeps. But what option do I have? }

    you are provoking too many memories.

    you do have an option. my younger sis did take a divorce for exactly the same things that you have written above. she did put up with a lot (including the bit about mother-in-law cajoling “ab to yahi tumhara dharm hai”). and i must credit my parents that they supported her to the hilt. even my dad who is not exactly a non-chauvinist himself had cried his heart out after hearing my sis’ tale. the divorce case is still going on … in the meantime, it has seen my dad expire. we r now three close-knit members in the home (excluding my elder sis, who has two kids of her own and stays with her husband), if you discount my occasional absence (i am based in a different city, visiting as often as i can). my sis is financially independent BTW. 

    please DO NOT take this insult. you were NOT born to be treated this way. as someone said below, your son will respect you more if you make efforts to put an end to it.

    Best of regards.

    Reply
  33. niraj

    so this is far more common than i expected. i have seen somewhat similar scenario in my home. though my dad never raised his finger on my mom, he was what i would unmistakably call a mild chauvinist.  my mother was an incorrigible fool to him, even though her decisions usually turned out right. as he grew older, he also sensed that and would consult my mom for every (and i do mean EACH and EVERY – i cannot overemphasize) minor or major decisions, financial or otherwise. still that did not stop him from calling her a fool. my mom was and is definitely a far more capable person than my dad judged. i usually think of her as the real man in our home. our family has gone through huge (financial) upheavals (inflicted by the irresponsible extended family) and it was ONLY the thrift of my parents (yes, my dad was also very thrifty and principled – had absolutely no extravagant habits) that had seen us through the crises. and the overwhelming large credit goes to my mom … unquestioningly.

    my house also had the same taunting-shouting-demeaning environment and for a long time, i used to think of it as normal. now that i am away from home for about 10-12 years, i know that it was pathological. i know that i and my sisters have inherited that. my elder sis behaves exactly the same way in her house. unfortunately she has got a husband who is a REAL chauvinist, who sometimes never shies from hitting her. my younger sis had to take recourse to divorce, again from precisely such a discord. 

    my dad is no more today. and that makes me a little guilty of talking about all this.

    but i admire your courage of coming out with this truth. i am sorry, i will remain anonymous as i do not have the courage to admit it with my name. 

    and BTW if it is relevant at all, i am a male and unmarried … actually very scared of marriage.

    Reply
  34. niraj

    so this is far more common than i expected. i have seen somewhat similar scenario in my home. though my dad never raised his finger on my mom, he was what i would unmistakably call a mild chauvinist.  my mother was an incorrigible fool to him, even though her decisions usually turned out right. as he grew older, he also sensed that and would consult my mom for every (and i do mean EACH and EVERY – i cannot overemphasize) minor or major decisions, financial or otherwise. still that did not stop him from calling her a fool. my mom was and is definitely a far more capable person than my dad judged. i usually think of her as the real man in our home. our family has gone through huge (financial) upheavals (inflicted by the irresponsible extended family) and it was ONLY the thrift of my parents (yes, my dad was also very thrifty and principled – had absolutely no extravagant habits) that had seen us through the crises. and the overwhelming large credit goes to my mom … unquestioningly.

    my house also had the same taunting-shouting-demeaning environment and for a long time, i used to think of it as normal. now that i am away from home for about 10-12 years, i know that it was pathological. i know that i and my sisters have inherited that. my elder sis behaves exactly the same way in her house. unfortunately she has got a husband who is a REAL chauvinist, who sometimes never shies from hitting her. my younger sis had to take recourse to divorce, again from precisely such a discord. 

    my dad is no more today. and that makes me a little guilty of talking about all this.

    but i admire your courage of coming out with this truth. i am sorry, i will remain anonymous as i do not have the courage to admit it with my name. 

    and BTW if it is relevant at all, i am a male and unmarried … actually very scared of marriage.

    Reply
  35. vijay

    Really touching. I think the children are influenced by parents so the parents must be careful in everything they do.Future generations will be better.

    Reply
  36. vijay

    Really touching. I think the children are influenced by parents so the parents must be careful in everything they do.Future generations will be better.

    Reply
  37. Sri

    Hope one day, very soon, you’ll be able to gather the courage to walk out of it. Your son will understand what you went through when he grows up into an adult… you can have the talk with him when he’s old enough for it…..also hoping that you are not under the impression/hope that things will get better with this ‘husband’ guy…It never will. It is indeed very evident!! Just walk out of it and start a life anew…you dont need help/support from anyone…you’ll do just fine.

    Reply
  38. Sri

    Hope one day, very soon, you’ll be able to gather the courage to walk out of it. Your son will understand what you went through when he grows up into an adult… you can have the talk with him when he’s old enough for it…..also hoping that you are not under the impression/hope that things will get better with this ‘husband’ guy…It never will. It is indeed very evident!! Just walk out of it and start a life anew…you dont need help/support from anyone…you’ll do just fine.

    Reply
  39. Anon guest

    Firstly, kudos for having the courage to speak up. I have seen lot of women take similar shit but, are unable to either speak up or move out. And, yes, I know they don’t have much of a choice. But, there is just one thing I would like to say, don’t live with it because of ur kid. As somebody who has seen this as a kid, and has known lot of other kids who have seen similar and probably far worse, it does them no good at all. 

    Reply
  40. Anon guest

    Firstly, kudos for having the courage to speak up. I have seen lot of women take similar shit but, are unable to either speak up or move out. And, yes, I know they don’t have much of a choice. But, there is just one thing I would like to say, don’t live with it because of ur kid. As somebody who has seen this as a kid, and has known lot of other kids who have seen similar and probably far worse, it does them no good at all. 

    Reply
  41. Rao Purnima

    Kudos for having the courage to put your story out there. It’s not easy at all. Having said that, what got to me the most about this post is the unspoken story that your son is living out. As someone who grew up in a home where the destructive couple stayed together ‘for the children’, I am an unequivocal supporter of getting the hell out of an abusive marriage. Your son will thank you for it. And more importantly, he will learn how to respect women.

    Reply
  42. Rao Purnima

    Kudos for having the courage to put your story out there. It’s not easy at all. Having said that, what got to me the most about this post is the unspoken story that your son is living out. As someone who grew up in a home where the destructive couple stayed together ‘for the children’, I am an unequivocal supporter of getting the hell out of an abusive marriage. Your son will thank you for it. And more importantly, he will learn how to respect women.

    Reply
  43. Mihir Fadnavis

    Well you better do whatever our husband says. Thats what you women are for. Else , be prepared for the consequences. 

    Reply
  44. Mihir Fadnavis

    Well you better do whatever our husband says. Thats what you women are for. Else , be prepared for the consequences. 

    Reply
  45. Limaiyim

    Hi There, a well shared real life experience yeah! I really salute you for coming out to share what’s in your mind and heart…You truely had had empower yourself and others yeah! Great for making a stand in what you believe in and every woman have rights to speak up! I am an NGO and a social activist, had taken up cases like this from divorce case, child custody and domestic violence (violence against women)…It is us that must make the move in putting a total stop to all forms of violence affecting women and totally unaccepted…It is very sad that most cases gone to court had taken lengthy time to resolve which put more stress, trauma to the victim…Yes, many are traumatised by the  pain and suffering endure not to mention the physical, emotional, phsycological of a person being abused! You are now a much stronger woman and I wish you all the best and good luck in your future yeah! Do find me more in pic sharing & knowledge on Facebook, Twitter or can email me at limaiyim@ymail.com (Malaysia)

    Reply
  46. Limaiyim

    Hi There, a well shared real life experience yeah! I really salute you for coming out to share what’s in your mind and heart…You truely had had empower yourself and others yeah! Great for making a stand in what you believe in and every woman have rights to speak up! I am an NGO and a social activist, had taken up cases like this from divorce case, child custody and domestic violence (violence against women)…It is us that must make the move in putting a total stop to all forms of violence affecting women and totally unaccepted…It is very sad that most cases gone to court had taken lengthy time to resolve which put more stress, trauma to the victim…Yes, many are traumatised by the  pain and suffering endure not to mention the physical, emotional, phsycological of a person being abused! You are now a much stronger woman and I wish you all the best and good luck in your future yeah! Do find me more in pic sharing & knowledge on Facebook, Twitter or can email me at limaiyim@ymail.com (Malaysia)

    Reply
  47. GoodGravey (aka GraveyDice)

    I find it funny when people accuse women of hatred against men.  They never seem to take the time to think that it might just be personal.  I’ve never felt hated just because of my gender.

    You talk about why you, and so many others, follow violence.  They find themselves in violent relationships after coming from a violent background.  Why they engage in violence themselves.  The answer is simple. You spend your life being told this is the only way things work. As Freudian as it might be, women get ideas of what their future husbands will be like from their father, and men get the idea of how to be a husband and father from their father.

    Breaking the cycle is extremely difficult.  There is the weight of decades against the individual.  And people who come from a background of domestic violence don’t need to be directly helped, because that takes away power from them.  People in violent situations need to be given information, support, and recognition.  They need to be given all the resources to make the decision for themselves.  And to have good, strong people around to support them in whatever they may do.

    And that, my dear Vidyut, is why I always want to be here for you.  Despite how incredibly strong you are, the environment you are placed in strips much of your strength in that context. 

    Personally, I disagree with both families, and that returning to him is dangerous and damaging. But I respect you more than I can say, and accept whatever decision you may make.  And I want to know that I support you in whatever you may do.

    Culture has a lot to answer for – especially the expectations on women.  The sooner these are torn down the better.

    I get really angry when people criticise women for staying in abusive relationships. They seem to think that “all you have to do is leave”.  And that just shows their privilege.  It is never that easy, least of all when there are children.  When you are constantly told how useless you are, that you will never be anything without him, and even if you leave you will be killed, leaving is inconceivable.

    Yes, shelters are needed, and that is why the Women’s Refuge here is one of my regular charities – I routinely give money and goods to them because it is so incredibly important.

    Inheriting hatred against men?  When all the men in your life are abusive, nasty, violent rapists, they are the only examples you have to create your perceptions.

    And as for rape, violence or no violence, it is still rape.

    So much love to you as always.

    Reply
  48. GoodGravey (aka GraveyDice)

    I find it funny when people accuse women of hatred against men.  They never seem to take the time to think that it might just be personal.  I’ve never felt hated just because of my gender.

    You talk about why you, and so many others, follow violence.  They find themselves in violent relationships after coming from a violent background.  Why they engage in violence themselves.  The answer is simple. You spend your life being told this is the only way things work. As Freudian as it might be, women get ideas of what their future husbands will be like from their father, and men get the idea of how to be a husband and father from their father.

    Breaking the cycle is extremely difficult.  There is the weight of decades against the individual.  And people who come from a background of domestic violence don’t need to be directly helped, because that takes away power from them.  People in violent situations need to be given information, support, and recognition.  They need to be given all the resources to make the decision for themselves.  And to have good, strong people around to support them in whatever they may do.

    And that, my dear Vidyut, is why I always want to be here for you.  Despite how incredibly strong you are, the environment you are placed in strips much of your strength in that context. 

    Personally, I disagree with both families, and that returning to him is dangerous and damaging. But I respect you more than I can say, and accept whatever decision you may make.  And I want to know that I support you in whatever you may do.

    Culture has a lot to answer for – especially the expectations on women.  The sooner these are torn down the better.

    I get really angry when people criticise women for staying in abusive relationships. They seem to think that “all you have to do is leave”.  And that just shows their privilege.  It is never that easy, least of all when there are children.  When you are constantly told how useless you are, that you will never be anything without him, and even if you leave you will be killed, leaving is inconceivable.

    Yes, shelters are needed, and that is why the Women’s Refuge here is one of my regular charities – I routinely give money and goods to them because it is so incredibly important.

    Inheriting hatred against men?  When all the men in your life are abusive, nasty, violent rapists, they are the only examples you have to create your perceptions.

    And as for rape, violence or no violence, it is still rape.

    So much love to you as always.

    Reply
  49. rajeev vaishnav

    There has been not much said about the fact that Abuse (Verbal, Physical and Sexual) is not only demeaning and humiliating but also drives the recipient more and more deeper into their own cyst of false walls. It disables their ability to stand up for themselves because the long term scenario indeed looks daunting. As expected, you have provided a comprehensive glimpse of these problems without being biased. 

    As for Mr. Mohiuddin’s comment, Sir, While I know that “Its your opinion”, truth is that having an opinion is a privilege and responsibility which entails you to be objective and know as much exhaustive information as possible. Uttering such statements only prove your ignorance. The blogger has provided links within the relevant context of this Blog post so read those linked posts too. Thank you

    Reply
  50. rajeev vaishnav

    There has been not much said about the fact that Abuse (Verbal, Physical and Sexual) is not only demeaning and humiliating but also drives the recipient more and more deeper into their own cyst of false walls. It disables their ability to stand up for themselves because the long term scenario indeed looks daunting. As expected, you have provided a comprehensive glimpse of these problems without being biased. 

    As for Mr. Mohiuddin’s comment, Sir, While I know that “Its your opinion”, truth is that having an opinion is a privilege and responsibility which entails you to be objective and know as much exhaustive information as possible. Uttering such statements only prove your ignorance. The blogger has provided links within the relevant context of this Blog post so read those linked posts too. Thank you

    Reply

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